This is a Facebook note by Garth Williams on Sunday, 10 August 2008…

The following is merely advice I’m sharing in response to a question a friend asked me. Warning, it’s a bit long, so make sure u have the 7 minutes it will take you to read thru it.

So what exactly is a “friend with benefits?” A friend with benefits is someone you get to have sex with, no strings attached. There’s no expensive dinners, no roses and no being home on time required. It is a mutually beneficial relationship with a friend or acquaintance where you don’t get to take them out on a date, but you get to call them at 1 a.m. when the police “lock off di dance” to see if they want to hook up.

Unfortunately, old sexual standards ensure that the friends-with-benefits choice isn’t really yours at the end of the day. The woman, as usual, gets to call the shots. All a man can do is make sure she knows that you’re willing, ready and able. Please make sure that you’re straightforward about your desire to be friends with benefits.

The rules of being friends with benefits must be agreed on by both of you, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, it’s worthless. If one of you starts to have feelings for the other — well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits.

How to get a friend with benefits?

Friends with benefits are sometimes very hard to find. This is because it takes an open and sexual person who is in a particular stage of their life to be up for it. You get to have a friend with benefits by asking for it indirectly – subtlety is the key.

When you think that you have met a suitable ”friend,” find out where she is in her life. Lack of appropriate relationship material or a recent break up, a career, or simply enjoying her freedom are all reasons why she may want to become friends with benefits and avoid the ”I love you” disclaimer/fine print.

The conversations that you have with her should be about being single and how you both find it as well as her positions on sex, relationships (and the typical drama that comes with them). It should be fairly easy to tell if she is open about sex, if she misses gettin laid and if she is up for some company.

Tell her about yourself, in charming, but not uncertain terms. Ensure that she knows you are definitely not looking for a girlfriend. So, now that you know where you each stand, and if she finds you attractive, you should “get some”soon. Don’t forget to compliment her. Basically, you want to take her home and show her what she would be missing out on if she didn’t see you again.

You can’t force this relationship; it will either happen on its own or it won’t. It isn’t something you can trick her into. It’s a mutual decision that’s made over the course of weeks or months. When you do start sleeping together, you’ll both know that it is what it is and it will simply continue. The difference between a friend with benefits and a one-night stand are those magic words “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend,”. As long as that is crystal clear, nothing much can go wrong.

Do’s and Don’ts

– Don’t come across like a desperate horny male, there are enough of us in the world, lol.
– She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body.
– Having a nice personality is important, especially if you are going to occasionally wake up next to each other
– Don’t kick her out before breakfast. Exercise good sexual and social etiquette.
– Treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. She still deserves your respect
– Impress her just like you would any other woman, but impress her in different ways.
– Don’t complain about how horny you are, it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman.
– Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is.
– Don’t sleep with who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her.

The Downside

There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start having a crush and the other won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings beyond the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic. And it isn’t always the ladies who fall head over heels either, lol. It can get complicated quickly.

The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown or the new hotel on the north coast (unless it’s Hedonism 4, lol).

You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work.

Consider the following…

Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them. Since you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to yourself please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows; you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.

You can have a tremendously satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an ”easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a ”player” — just act like a person.

Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an idiot to try to score a girlfriend. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.

Published by Garth O. Williams

A seasoned journalist and communications practitioner; professional MC/moderator, voice-over actor and entrepreneur.


  1. The woman does NOT always call the shots..sometimes the roles you have described are reversed. I guess everyone just works out the details to their own personal satisfaction. (no pun intended)


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