Matey by choice – women chasing forbidden fruit

Life is filled with duality – good v evil, left wing v right wing and matey v wifey among others; so let’s talk about this wifey v matey matter, focusing on the matey.

For the purpose of this blog let’s focus particularly on the mateys who weren’t tricked into the relationship with the man. Instead I want to share my view about those mateys who knew the man had a ‘wife’ and still decided to go for him. Let me also add that I don’t endorse cheating.

So now I’ve got that out the way let me get into this matter. Truth is that most women don’t seek out or pursue interest in unavailable men, but more women do it than many of us would like to admit. I’m pretty sure that most of you reading this blog have seen examples of this in reality, some of you may have been in the situation playing either the role of wifey, matey or the ‘husband.

Based on my personal observation and discussions I’ve come to the position that women who go for unavailable men usually feel that they are more committed to the relationship than the men are. These women usually feel that the men have all the power and control in the relationship. Women in relationships with unavailable men feel that they have to work hard to keep the man interested, and often try to change themselves into being whatever they think the man is looking for.

Simply put, relationships with unavailable men are frustrating and unsatisfying, yet too many women try-try-try to stick it out and make things work… but why????

I think the women who go for unavailable men have some serious insecurity and self esteem issues. They put so much time and effort into being with this ‘emotionally unavailable’ man, while he has his cake and eats it too.

Part of the motivation for these women is the belief that if the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll finally have evidence that they are a ‘worthy woman’. Sadly, if he never commits to them their self-worth is left hanging in the wind. Another motivating factor for these women’s pursuits is that they’ve invested so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff is almost unthinkable.

Matey characteristics
Even though their behavior can lead to a host of problems, these women aren’t fools. They display tremendous strength and perseverance. If a woman sets her mind on getting the attention and affection of an unavailable man, she may go to great lengths to keep giving him chances. At the same time, she’ll often fall into the rut of making excuses for his negligent behavior. Though this approach isn’t ideal, her behavior reflects the fact that she is patient, hard working, and committed to something she cares about. Those are good qualities!

Let me add that there’s also the characteristic of bravery/courage – because if the wife finds out about the affair there can be hell to pay especially if the wife is confrontational. In that case it’s a matter of beat or be beaten – rarely does wife focus her energy on the man, she heads straight to fighting matey.

A bit of advice
For women who find themselves in a relationship with an unavailable man, you don’t need to change everything about yourself, just switch your focus. Stop trying to get his attention and/or affection and instead focus on your own emotional needs.

Focus on trying to get those emotional needs met by a man who’s willing to be a MAN and not just a GROWN BOY. If you’re willing to do the work to explore your behavior, motivations, and needs, you could find yourself in the near future in a relationship with a man who’s actually worth it. Imagine that!

Published by Garth O. Williams

A seasoned journalist and communications practitioner; professional MC/moderator, voice-over actor and entrepreneur.

3 thoughts on “Matey by choice – women chasing forbidden fruit

  1. Funny enough, many “mateys by choice” feel like they have more power and that they are getting “sweetheart benefits that the hubby does not give the wife. I don’t know if it’s a new-age type of matey but many a woman declare their status as one in such a proud manner because they feel they get all the benefits with none of the costs- they are free to leave when they want and they don’t have to get tied up into the “drama” of having a man. I won’t even go into my views on that here because it would be like a post beneath your post. 🙂


  2. too many women out there are willing to settle on being second best for whatever the reason. More often then not, the men won’t leave their “wives” and therefore they remain in the sidelines for as long as it takes for reality to hit that the relationship is going nowhere quickly. Men have it tooooo easy cuz there’ll ALWAYS be a woman who doesnt give a fuck that he has his woman. Also, men have forgotten the art of “fuckin it an leavin it” ..May sound fucked up but i rate a man who, if needs be, jus fuck di gyal caw she willing and run it. Withstanding that he has laid stake to havING a woman. Lying or omitting that information leaves him looking like less of a man and more of a bwoy to me. And whats with this romance shit? that’s what misleads the women. You wine and dine knowing you have one intention – when she gets attached you stand firm “but i told you i had my woman”. If you dealth with her like the bitch she was from the beginning then you wouldn’t be in the position of them getting psycho all calling your woman and uprooting a “home”:… Not enough eligible single men in Jamaica and many of them need to feel wanted at what ever cost so they settle on having at least a peace of man. BOTH MEN AND WOMEN NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP!


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