Evaluating the relationship

When I enter a relationship, I expect it to last.  I think of it as practise for marriage. Yes, I said marriage! You thought Garth couldn’t harbour such lofty ambitions? lol

Anyway, the sad truth is that as lifestyles change so do people. After a while, flaws and cracks inevitably start to show and you may find yourself dedicating more and more time to fixing the relationship rather than enjoying it to the fullest.  At some point, you may need to acknowledge the fact that your relationship no longer suits your needs. This is usually a very difficult point to explain because to your ‘partner’ you’re gonna look like an asshole. But when the relationship isn’t meeting your individual or collective needs then it’s time for an assessment of the value of the relationship.

My dad recommended thinking of a relationship like a home: both are susceptible to wear and tear and both require a certain amount of upkeep. Sometimes the work put into a relationship feels like a real job (I wish I could have gotten paid). How much work is too much work, though? Sometimes a relationship just needs a little renovation and there are times when the whole thing should be condemned.

Why did I get married?

The most important thing in a house is the foundation. What is the foundation in a relationship? Trust is the foundation of every good relationship, believe it or not. Trust doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m telling her all my secrets. There are lotsa things I would never tell in a relationship, unless directly asked and there’s no option to “plea the 5th”. The important thing is that you’re honest with each other. Whenever I caught a girlfriend telling half-truths or if you don’t give her my honest opinion about anything, it’s a bad sign. It’s also a clear indication that one of us doesn’t trust the other. An absence of trust is cause for SERIOUS concern, it usually means THE END IS NEAR!

Are we there yet?

Sometimes I’m so blinded by lust and physical intimacy that I don’t consider the direction of the relationship until after the novelty has worn off. I figure most people do the same thing. It’s always important to know where the relationship is headed and early too. Whenever my vision of the relationship’s future doesn’t meet with hers then there’s trouble ahead. This is where compromise comes into play and skillful negotiation. If you’re not on the same journey together then in the end you’re gonna end up in different places.

Let’s be real … Let’s be superficial

Looks aren’t everything, but they aren’t nothing either. No easy “renovations” can be done to a human body. That’s why in a relationship, physical appearance is important consideration. To some, it might seem shallow to evaluate your partner based on looks, but let’s be real: our level of attraction to each other is going to impact how physical(intimate) we get with each other. Let’s be real again, intimacy (or the lack thereof) affects every other area of the relationship. I usually ask myself “how will she look in 20 years”. I bet all my exes asked the same question about me. For women they say that a man can tell how his wife will age based on how her mom has aged. That’s usually been a good gauge in my experience. If we’re not finding each other “hot” or appealing anymore that’s when the temptation to ‘outsource’ intimacy may creep in.

Watch dem quarrels

I avoid confrontation and quarrels, but a healthy debate is always a good thing. It’s a good thing to have a difference of opinion that can be managed/handled responsibly.  I’ve got friends who always seem to be fighting/quarreling but how much fighting is normal? Periodic arguing, even the occasional blowout, is not unusual. Constant bickering, however, is a sign of serious problems.  My experience has taught me that hearing nasty comments from her too often is a sign of built-up resentment or anger.

The grass isn’t necessarily greener

We always hear about the old man leaving his wife for a younger hotter girl. Does his story always have a happy ending? Very rarely does t end happily ever after for him. You shouldn’t jeopardize a relationship just because someone else catches your eye.

It’s human to look around and envy others. I’m always reminded of the Jamaican idiom “See mi and live wid me a 2 different ting‘. Not every couple that appears happy or ideal is really that way. Who you think is your “dream partner” could end up being a nightmare.

I recommend that you try to fix what you have before racing off to find a new relationship, or before racing to be single. Ending a relationship is a big decision. Before you start packing your things, you need to be certain about what else is out there.

Panel of peers aka ‘Relationship Jury’

Whether I may like it or not, once my friends and her friends know of the relationship everybody is gonna have an opinion. Some people will voice their opinion uninvited. Some will only share it if they’re asked and others won’t say a word. Think about how your significant other gets along with your friends, family and colleagues. After-all, you’re both gonna have to interact with all these folks from time to time. If who you’re with can’t win the favour of your closest and most trusted friends/family then that might be a bad sign.

Closing

Every relationship is prone to problems; that’s a given. If you notice an increase in your bickering, your first step should be to try to resolve the issues hampering your romantic bliss. When you’re assessing the value of your relationship, remember that it deserves a fair inspection before you demolish it.

Why Women Cannot Find a Good Man

The many variables contributing to this phenomenon actually come down to overcoming one negative attribute of the female mind, which is lack of self-knowledge. (Pardon me, but the whole “academic/intellectual” thing just had to be done at the start, now back to regular talkin, lol)

If a woman does not know who she is and what her purpose and true nature is, she will never understand how to find (get) a good man. Might I also add that part of the reason why men will never understand women is simply based on the fact that WOMEN really don’t understand WOMEN. Their “complexity” as a species/gender has rendered them inconsistent in actually practicing what they preach.

First, let us dispel all the myths and urban legends.

There is no shortage of men. Though there are many men in the prison system, there are not as many men in the prison system than there are on the streets. There are also good men in prison (or they come out that way), but most women would rather not date an ex-con because of the societal stigma attached to those who’ve been incarcerated.

There are statistics that suggest that 1 out of 17 men are gay, they are only a small percentage of the general population. Let us also consider the fact that the marriage rate is low, not all good men are married (quite a number of the “bad” men are already married, just ask the women who currently exist in “wedded misery”); it merely appears that way because of the female preference and wish list.

Therefore, this leaves the majority of men available and “marriable” (we should get this word adopted into the English Lexicon). There are many college educated men, single men who are decent men, and many God-fearing men who want a family and would be dedicated to that family. The problem is not so much with men or the shortage myth, but what women want in their men.

Secondly, all too many times, women are expectant of something. They say they will settle for a man with a job, any job, but in reality, when the money is not rolling in plentiful enough to keep up with “girlfriend,” the woman’s true preferences show through. They then attempt to “better” their man by suggesting more schooling (or in extreme cases, “alternate” means of income generation)

Many women claim that physique is not important or looks, or size, but when time comes for public appearances, family reunions, or physical satisfaction, somehow the woman comes up short. She speaks for the man in public (and society has come to expect women to do the talking), she makes excuses to family and friends for her man’s situation, and she constantly seeks change and variety in sexuality.Not to say that all women are like this, but those who cannot seem to find a good man would better fit this profile in more ways than one.

Third, she ignores the brother on her job that just does not spark that physical appeal in her. She is not impressed with the brother’s work habits or his nerdy qualities, and she automatically looks the other way because of his lack of sex appeal and she turns to the brother who got it that way instead, yet he is the one who will treat her like a dog.

She has not understood that many men will make her a good husband if she knew what to look for instead of searching for the stereotypical qualities on her list-of-desirable men. Each woman as an individual will need to identify qualities in a man that are specific to her unique needs in order to find an absolutely compatible mate.

Too many women believe in “society’s” definition of what a man is thus she looks for that man. He is the hunk, the bad boy, the jock, the successful, and she ignores the obvious, the nerd, the simple, the bright, the thinker, the anti-social, and the quiet.

Lastly, women cannot find a good man because she does not know who she is and what makes her happy. Her mother told her to find a successful lawyer or doctor but her mother neglected to tell her that lawyers and doctors can cheat on their wives too.

Her friends told her to find a man who could satisfy her sexually but they neglected to tell her that he will satisfy everyone else’s sexual desires as well.

The woman’s magazine told her to find a man who is sensitive and who will share the house work while she works, yet neglected to tell her that that is reverse oppression and a man will not stay down long under those circumstances.

She has the excuses; she has tried this man and that, but has come to the conclusion that all men are dogs. One problem with that is, if all the men she tried were dogs in her book, then her attempt to train him was a failure; if all the men she’s tried are dogs, does it mean that there’s something wrong with the men? Or is it that there’s something wrong with her?

This leads into the drama of what women want.

The mind games, the control factor, and the unrealistic expectations of women have gone beyond that of reality and into the fanatical.

Women first read the man through and then try him in many areas to test his stability. This is a mistake because if she has to test him then she is expecting something other than a real relationship. She is also putting in jeopardy the potential of a relationship from the beginning.

The games, the games, the mind games. The woman then has to gain control. She first seeks out the man’s weakness and when she has found it, she will either exploit it for her own benefit, because that is what she is taught by her girlfriends, or she will accept it as is and help strengthen it for her advantage in the future. THERE ARE VERY FEW WOMEN WHO WILL IDENTIFY A WEAKNESS IN A MAN AND SEEK TO WORK ON IT TO MAKE THE MAN BETTER FOR THE SAKE OF A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

She expects sensitivity, consideration, and respect, yet if she is not sensitive, considerate or respectful of others, or herself, she will never receive those things from him. She first has to know herself before expecting this character from others to her own satisfaction.

Does she really want a family or is this something she has come to anticipate from the propaganda of society and media?
Is she going to be a good mother because many men want children but cannot handle a contentious and or perplexed woman? Thus we have many single mothers.

Not to say that men have it all together, but when women complain about not being able to find a good man, they must first understand what a good man is and what to expect from him. She must also know how to give that which is good to the man if she wants to keep him and call him her own.

What say you?…

P.S.

Let me further point out that there is a very clear distinction between women and little girls, which will be the topic of another note.

Loving yourself

For most of you who know me personally, when you read the title of the note you thought I was going to launch off into the “Wild World of Whacking Off”, lol. I’ll save that topic for another time.

Do you want someone to love you unconditionally? Well, do you give yourself 100 percent unconditional love? If we really expect others to love us unconditionally, then we have to love ourselves first.

It is easy to point the finger at our significant other and say all of the things that are wrong with them. It is harder to point our fingers at ourselves and ask, “Why is this my experience?” It’s hard to look at our past and present to see why we are experiencing a lack of self-love.

Unfortunately our society and our educational system don’t give us the knowledge we need to build this sense of love for ourselves. There is no “how-to” manual. Our family is the only structure that offers us a hint of this 100 percent unconditional love, and if we were raised in a semi-dysfunctional (or extremely dysfunctional) family, then the odds of finding it are against us.

At some point in our lives, we have to come to the decision to love ourselves, for our personal benefit and for the benefit of those who love us. A lack of self-love will ultimately turn an optimistic relationship into an unhappy one because neither person will be able to express unconditional love.

Learning to embrace yourself and love yourself unconditionally isn’t easy. What do we need to do?

Acknowledge that you have to love yourself unconditionally before you can love anyone else.

Accept that your self-love can only come from you.

Start with yourself, you have to stop looking to others for love.

Nurture yourself like you were a baby. Treat yourself to a solo dinner, go to a spa by yourself, tell yourself that you are beautiful.

Discover all the things there are to love about yourself. You can ask friends to tell you what they like about you as well as thinking about the things you love about yourself.

See what your strengths are, and build your life around them.

In the end I hope you will finally attract the love in your life that you were missing before.

Single Life – don’t rush to end it

Everyday I hear persons complain about trouble in their relationships (marriages). I wonder why people are so obsessed about getting into relationships anyway. When you’re single, you’re not committed anyone in particular, able to party like a rock star and sleep late with no one to tell you to do otherwise. It’s a great life, and why shouldn’t it be?

These days, there’s no real social pressure to get married right out of high school or university unlike when our fore-parents were young. You can easily get laid without saying “I do,” and most people are waiting until much later in life to tie the knot.

People are always asking “when are you going to settle down?” (I’ll take on the whole matter of “settling down” in another blog) Should anyone really be in a rush to ransom their freedom? Should you start searching for your soul-mate and wave bye-bye to your prided singularity?

Remember life’s all about different strokes for different folks. We won’t all subscribe to the same views, not even god can make that happen. So know yourself and know what works for you.

Before I digress let me just talk about why single life can be beneficial

Time to find “the one”

So let’s assume you believe (or been brainwashed) that there’s one person out there for you. In Jamaican parlance “Every hoe have dem stick a bush”. Being single gives you enough time to wait for your true soul mate (if one even exists) to pop into the picture.  The last thing you want is to be in a relationship and meet someone with whom you’re more compatible with than your partner.

When you’re single you can take the time to casually wade through the shark-infested waters of the dating ocean pool and bait your hook for the prize catch.

In other words, by holding out for the right one you can avoid the mistake of a lifetime and marry for love and not out of desperation (or because of the pressure from your friends/family)

It’s sad to say, but too many people get hitched for the wrong reasons, like they’ve reached a certain age, all of their friends are getting married, and they haven’t been successful at dating and this person is the first to show interest.

Staying single allows you to take your time playing the dating game, and increase your odds of beating the divorce statistics.

Career building

Staying single allows you to enjoy the opportunity of building your career without draining the energy a permanent relationship entails. You remain free to put in long hours, work on the weekends or do whatever else you have to do to be more successful. If you’re working in any kind of time-demanding field, such as politics, medicine, law or entrepreneurship you know exactly what I mean.

What’s the advantage, you  might ask, of being successful and single? Think about it, once your business booms and you’re raking in millions then you’ll have alot more “options” from which to choose a mate. Let’s be real for a moment, your chances of getting into a relationship and marriage are significantly increased when you’re rich. It’s just the way of the world (sad but true).  That being said, when you’re rich you probably still won’t even have time to think about marriage, but that’s a risk lotsa people are willing to take.

FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!

When you’re single, the world is your beach and all you have to do is play in the sand. You can pick up and go anywhere you want, do anything you want, any time you want. No one is in the background nagging at you.

You’re absolutely free to hang out with your friends, party until dawn and find plenty of time for your “personal interests” and/or hobbies. Best of all, you have the luxury of being all by yourself, if you feel like it.

SEXUAL OPTIONS

One of the best reasons for staying single is that you don’t have to limit yourself to staying with the same sex partner. Even though there are people(not just men) who have more than 1 sex partner when in a committed relationship [a very sad truth]. The dating world is yours to conquer. You can happily sample all the different offerings at the sexual buffet and keep your taste buds primed for the next dish being served (pardon the eating analogy, lol).

What’s more, you never have to wrestle with sexual boredom or lack of variety, especially if your partner is close minded and unadventurous. Fantasies are all yours to make reality. When you’re single, your sex life can become whatever you want it to be, you can be as uninhibited as you want.

Better wealth management

At the risk of sounding like a complete meanie, I remind you that relationships (marriages) come with particular “attendant costs”. It’s like buying a house or car and having to constantly spend on its upkeep and insurance. The financial decisions/considerations affect no one but you. The buck literally stops with you. The bills you pay and your spending habits are less because you’re spending for just one, especially your entertainment costs. Your only mandate is to be fiscally responsible

By staying single, you’re not legally or financially obligated to anyone but yourself. Oh and let’s consider how money gets split in the event of a divorce. What’s that I hear the men say about prenuptial agreements? Try convincing a woman, regardless of the endless love she has for you, to sign a prenuptial agreement. Moving right along…

Ahhhh yes, good ol’ peace and quiet

Staying single means peace and quiet. When you live alone you’re not subjected to mood swings, emotional storms or blame games. If you’re not a good listener then single life is even more appealing because you won’t be expected to provide counseling at the end of a bad day. You can leave the toilet seat up (or down) and not have to answer to anyone.

I can spoil me

If you see it online or in a store, you can buy it because you want it. When you wake up and feel like jetting off to a random location, then you can do it without having to ask questions. If you feel like going to a hotel, all you gotta do is pack a bag, secure the house and just go. Again, all you have to do is  maintain a certain level of responsibility by not overdoing anything.

Compromise, what the hell is that?

Being single means you don’t have to constantly find a “middle ground” between you and the significant other. You don’t have to do what anyone else wants to do, just to make them happy or keep them off your back. This includes being forced to see chick flicks or attend baby showers or watch/attend sporting events and the list goes on and on

THE SINGLE LIFE

While a relationship (marriage) may provide certain benefits, when you choose to stay single, you’re keeping the door open for many more options and opportunities in your life. Your independence is something you should never surrender lightly, even if you think you’ve met the man/woman of your dreams.

Relationships are risky and emotions are powerful, just bear that in mind before you take a chance with your heart or put someone else’s heart on the line

So think twice (or maybe three times) before you take that long walk down the aisle (literal and figurative).

Baby Mama Drama – remember the children

Breaking up with someone and staying civil is hard enough when it’s just between the two of you, but when a child is involved, it can be a bit dicey. It can be a real challenge working with an ex to raise a child, especially when the ex has started another relationship.

 

Many people become bitter when a relationship does not turn out the way he or she wanted. There is a great deal of anger, animosity, and resentment from a broken relationship, which affects the future of the relationship when a child is involved. Both parents or even one of the parents may have difficulty moving on. There’s usually unresolved emotions and feelings. Adults have to be adults when a child or children are in the middle of a quarrel.

 

Derogatory name

Baby mama and baby daddy, 2 terms that I dislike. I understand that it’s a tidy way to refer to the other parent, but the terms just conjure up the wrong image in one’s mind. Get rid of that label. We all should stop referring to your child’s parent as your “baby mama” or “baby daddy”. View them as the other party involved in the creation of your little one. If the child is over the age of two, that term is definitely inappropriate.

 

Right communication

Communicate directly with your ex. Do not use your child as a walkie-talkie. Using your child as a go between can lead to disaster. Children often play sides when it comes to wanting things from their parents. Miscommunication can develop if a message is misconstrued whether intentionally or unintentionally. It’s best if you two do the talking directly. Children aren’t pawns, they are children.

 

Keep it simple and straight forward. Share what your needs or concerns for your child are while being specific and concise. Dont over do the talking. Get right to the point. Once the point has been communicated then move right along to the next point. This way you will avoid quarrels and disagreements. These are not beneficial to the child and hamper the possibility of an amicable relationship with your ex.

 

Don’t lead your ex on.

Speak only of the child. If your own personal matters must be discussed, it should be only tie directly to concerns related to the child. Your personal life is your own and your ex should no longer be a part of it. That is why he or she is called your ex

 

Don’t be obnoxious.

Do not bash the other parent in the presence of your child. You don’t have to be the best of buds, but you should at least be civil. A child can pick up on any animosity you hold for their mommy or daddy and will likely resent you for being the meanie.

 

Schedule properly

Make it work for both parents. Establish a schedule for visitations, attending sporting events, other extra curricular activities, doctor and dental visits. Whether it is a court ruling or set by both parents, it should be made flexible to suit all involved.

 

Tread cautiously with the new partner

Keep them out of it. Avoid getting your new partner involved in matters between you and your ex. If you are strictly about business with your ex, your new mate should feel no insecurity and not interfere with the parental system you’ve set up with your ex. your ex has to be respectful and do the same with their new partner.

 

Everyone has their place. If you are taking the next step in the relationship with your new partner, assure your ex that no one will be taking their place. Make it certain that you have chosen someone who understands the importance of your child’s relationship with the other parent, and make it known you’re not looking for a replacement. If this seems tough, just remember that you wouldn’t want to be replaced by a new mommy or daddy yourself

 

Where’s the drama really coming from?

I think most “drama” comes in where parents break up on very bad terms. If 1 party is jealous, possessive, obsessive and vindictive then moving on after a child or children can become hell. Drama becomes amplified where 1 of the parents is dishonest in their dealings with a new partner.

 

Some individuals subscribe to a sentiment that “if i can’t have the ‘other parent’ no one else can have them”

 

Often times it’s the man who’s the guilty party when dishonesty is at play. If a man is still sleeping with the mother of his child but he wants to move on, HE MUST BE HONEST WITH THE MOTHER AND THE POTENTIAL NEW GIRLFRIEND. If he’s dishonest then that’s when things can become ugly. Can’t always have a cake and eat it too.

 

Mothers face a real challenge in letting go of the man. Aterall, everytime she sees the child or children she must think of him. While they were making the child/children she never necessarily saw a future raising the family without his daily direct input. Men have challenge too, but we seem to handle the situation differently.

 

Men often think that they’re supposed to have exclusive access to the mother(s) of their children. They rarely ever want to deal with the reality of another man being with the mother of their children. Some mothers are also of the same view.

 

It’s not always the parents who  make the situation ‘dramatic’, there are times when the new partner is the one who comes with the wrong attitude/approach and just makes a bad situation worse. It’s therefore the ‘parent’ who’s responsible to “reign in” the new partner. It’s important to tread cautiously, monitor carefully and do all possible for things to work out amicably.

 

This is best facilitated in an environment of honesty.

 

Other things to remember.

– Stick to your guns, being too lax can lead to your ex taking advantage of you.

– Don’t be bullied, you’re an adult, you’re a parent and what you say matters.

– Be cool, people are unpredictable especially after a break up. They might not want to be reasonable; they might not have a desire to get along. Just keep your composure and retrace your steps because in the end its really the child/children which matter.

 

Preppin for a Hurricane

How to prepare for a hurricane

 

Get your family together and plan

Prepare your food supply

Secure your home and property

Taking inventory of your property

Special assistance

If your home is safe, stay put

What to do when the storm hits

 

Planning ahead

To make sure everyone knows how to respond in the event of a hurricane, you might want to convene a family meeting or meetings. Topics of discussion should include:

  • What to do about power outages.
  • How to deal with personal injuries.
  • How to turn off the water, gas and electricity at main switches.
  • What to do if you have to evacuate.
  • Where to meet and whom to contact if you get separated.

In addition, you should:

  • Post emergency telephone numbers by the telephones.
  • Teach children how and when to call 119 for help.
  • Make arrangements for your pets.

Getting your food supply ready

Have at least a three-day supply of nonperishable food on hand. Focus on high-nutrition foods that require no refrigeration, preparation or cooking and little or no water. Your foodstuffs might include:

  • Ready-to-eat canned meats, fruits, vegetables
  • Canned juices, milk, soup
  • Staples, including sugar, salt, pepper
  • High energy foods, including peanut butter, jelly, crackers, granola bars
  • Vitamins
  • Foods for infants, the elderly or people on special diets
  • Comfort/stress foods, including cookies, hard candy, instant coffee, tea

Optimally, a two-week supply of nonperishable food is recommended. Though it is unlikely that an emergency would cut off your food supply for that long, such a stockpile can relieve a great deal of inconvenience and uncertainty until services are restored. You don’t need to go out and buy unfamiliar foods to prepare an emergency food supply. You can use the canned foods, dry mixes and other staples on your cupboard shelves.

Keep canned foods in a dry place where the temperature is fairly cool. To protect boxed foods from pests and extend their shelf life, store the boxes in tightly closed cans or metal containers.

Rotate your food supply. Use foods before they go bad, and replace them with fresh supplies, dated with ink or marker. Place new items at the back of the storage area and older ones in front.

Keep a supply of cooking and eating implements that can be used in the absence of running water or electricity, including:

  • Plastic utensils, paper cups and plates
  • Manual can and bottle openers
  • Kerosene, butane and coal.

Securing your home

Board up windows or attach storm shutters. Taping windows will not prevent breakage, but will help reduce shattering.

Electric power may be off, so have a supply of extra food, especially things that can be eaten without cooking, and a hand-operated can opener.

Thoroughly clean the bathtub, jugs, bottles and cooking utensils, and fill containers with drinking water. Allow a minimum of 3 gallons of water for each person.

Check flashlights and radios. Make sure you have batteries.

Check trees and shrubbery, and remove limbs that could damage your house or utility lines.

Secure anything that might tear loose or blow away, including garbage cans, grills, potted plants, garden tools, toys, signs, porch furniture, awnings.

Do not lower the water level in your swimming pool, or it may pop out of the ground. Remove pumps from underground pits after all valves have been closed and the electricity has been shut off. If the filter pump is exposed, wrap it in a waterproof material and tie it securely. Add extra chlorine to the pool to help prevent contamination (3 gallons of chlorine per 5,000 gallons of water).

Fill your car’s gas tank.

 

Getting special assistance

Find out about any special assistance that may be available in your community. Create a network of neighbors, relatives, friends and co-workers to aid you in an emergency. Discuss with them your needs and make sure they know how to operate any necessary equipment.

If you live in an apartment building, ask the management to clearly mark accessible exits and to make arrangements to help you evacuate the building.

Keep a supply of extra wheelchair batteries, oxygen, catheters, medication, food for guide or hearing-ear dogs. Also, keep a list of the type and serial numbers of medical devices.

 

Is your home safe? Stay put

If  your house is structurally sound and in a non-evacuated zone, you should ride out the storm there.

Leaving your home when it isn’t necessary adds to traffic congestion and makes it tougher on those who must evacuate.

During the storm, it is safest to use a battery-powered radio or television to monitor developments. If you lose power, turn off major appliances reduce damage.

Stay inside and keep away from windows or glass doors. Stay on the leeward, or downwind, side of the house. If the wind direction changes, move to the new downwind side.

If the storm center passes over your area, there will be a short period of calm. The wind and rain may cease, but do not go outside. Remember, at the other side of the eye, the wind speed rapidly increases to hurricane force and will come from the opposite direction.

Wait for official word before you leave your home.

 

During the storm

Monitor your radio or TV for the latest weather advisories and other emergency information.

Do not use electrical appliances.

Stay inside and keep away from windows. Stay on the downwind side of the house. If the wind direction changes, move to the new downwind side. Find a safe area in your home — an interior, reinforced room, closet or bathroom on the lower floor.

If the storm center passes over your area, there will be a short period of calm. Do not go outside. At the other side of the eye, the wind speed rapidly increases to hurricane force and will come from the opposite direction.

Wait for official word before you leave your home.

 

Simple chivalrous gestures

LET ME OPEN BY REMINDING YOU THAT CHIVALRY ISN’T DEAD. MANY MEN HAVE SIMPLY FORGOTTEN IT EXISTS AND SOME WOMEN DON’T KNO HOW TO APPRECIATE A CHIVALROUS GESTURE…

In this day and age of “equality of the sexes”, women’s lib, feminism and political correctness, the polite way to interact with women can be confusing. Women don’t want to be referred to as the “fairer sex” or the “weaker sex” nor do they want to be treated that way.

Afterall, they have fully functioning mental capacities and they deserve respect. The sentiment that women are equal to men should not be interpreted to mean that you have to treat your girl like on of the “boys”. She may be as capable as a man, but she is, in fact, a lady.

In this “new” world, a little old-fashioned chivalry can go a long way to make a girl feel special. Be a gentleman, not a raucous brute. Courteous behaviour can set you apart from the foul-mouthed, hand-grabbing, ass-slapping, “yow baby mi woulda f–k you” type men. In fact, it will make you seem a cut above the rest.

Respond to the weather

If it’s cold and it’s obvious that she‘s cold, offer your jacket or shirt. If it’s raining, hold the umbrella (or newspaper).

Although it seems like a very typical thing to do, it really can make a difference to her view of you. It shows that you’re willing to go out of your way for her comfort and that you’re paying attention to how she’s feeling.It actually says alot about your personality, making you appear valiant and strong (like a knight in shining armour).

Walk on the outside of the sidewalk

When walking  with her, take the side closer to the street. This is a rarely followed form of chivalry, and as such, it might be even more appreciated by a discerning female. It is a nice gesture because it removes her from the dangers of traffic. All in all, it’s a very gentlemanly move. Above that, she’ll feel protected, and that’s a good feeling for any woman.

Pick her up (even if she drives)

Unlike offering to drive a girl home, picking her up doesn’t imply an ulterior motive. She won’t think that you’re trying to get in her house and into her pants. It’s an innocent and should make her feel taken care of without putting her on the defensive. This is just pure chivalry. Additionally, it gives you a little time in private before going out in public. It allows you to set the tone before going out and allows you to walk into the event you’re attending with confidence.

Make sure she gets home safely

You should always offer to walk, drive or cab her home. Leaving her to get home on her own makes you appear uncaring. Your duty as a man is to make sure she’s taken care of. If she’s uncomfortable having you walk or drive her home, put her in a cab and pay the driver. Just don’t let her feel vulnerable.*NOTE: ladies never leave your “get vex money”, just in case you’re out with an asshole.

Get out of your car

If you do drive her home, get out of your car when you get to her house. Open her car door and say your goodbyes there unless she specifically asks you to see her to the door. It‘s too presumptuous to just walk toward it; unless she’s clearly hinted  “something else”. Getting out of the car makes a big deal of the fact that you’re leaving each other for the night. I think it makes her feel important. It also allows for a hug, kiss or other gesture, depending on how well the outing went. *NOTE: always ask her how safe her community is before going out. Chivalry must never lose out to common sense & security

Hold the door

As a general rule, it is polite and gentlemanly to hold the door for anybody who is following you closely, especially the elderly. Showing this kind of respect for her and for strangers definitely shows class.

Introduce her to people

Even if you just run into an acquaintance on the street, introduce her. If you have a little chat with your old buddy while she just stands there, she’ll feel incredibly awkward and out of place. She may even think that you’re embarrassed by her or that you don’t find her important enough to mention. Take a moment to say her name, she’ll feel like part of the conversation even if she doesn’t add anything.

If there’s a particular reason for your not introducing her — for example, you can’t stand the person you ran into and want to escape their company as soon as possible — make sure to apologize and explain the situation to her as soon as they are gone. This is beyond gentlemanly; it’s just good manners.

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Happiness – you can help yourself get it

Happiness is a subjective matter. What makes me happy may not be enough to make some one else feel the same. I believe though that there are common principles and practices among people who consider themselves happy. Thankfully, you don’t have to be rich to be happy; being rich helps for sure, but on its own, riches won’t make you happy. Too often we measure happiness by financial standing and that will will distact you from the bigger picture of happinesss

I can’t think of 1 bit of scientific evidence that can help us absolutely determine happiness, probably God alone could do that and then not everybody believes in the existence of a supreme creator – God.

I don’t know though if scientists will get to a point where they can give you a formula for happiness, but here are some of the things I do which have made me a “happy man”.

Being fair

It’s no secret that I know and interact with lotsa people. It’s always a great feeling when I can participate in activities where everyone is treated fairly and they can accept the results without feeling cheated or shortchanged. Sometimes it comes at some personal cost, but my reward is the smiles of satisfaction and the good referrals.

No bad vibes and “carrying feelings”

Take my word, holding grudges robs you of your joy. I hate when I go out and see someone who pissed me off and I haven’t gotten over it. Instead of focusing on the current environment I’m giving them my energy and then I lose out on having a good time. Lotsa times they don’t even know I’m around nor do they care if I’m mad or not. The ability to forgive and forget, to go with the flow, or just move on from a bad situation is what keeps me going. If you wrong me, I’m confident that the BITCH called KARMA is gonna get you, so I’m over you as quickly as possible.

Having lots of friendships

Extroverts are happier than introverts and they live longer lives, in part because they can spend time in the company offriends and family or they can spend time alone, according to happiness researcher Ed Diener. Being extroverted and having a wide social circle is a major factor in why I consider myself happy. It’s just a joy to reach out and impact on people’s lives in a positive way.At any rate, it’s a reason to justify spending time on social networking sites.

Being spiritual (not necessarily Christian)

I’m in Jamaica and as a result I”m christian. If Saudi Arabia were my native land then I would have been a Muslim and not any less happy because of my religion. I can’t explain happy Atheists though. Anyhow, research has shown a clear correlation between a person’s “strength of religious affiliation and their self-reported levels of happiness and satisfaction with their lives. My religious affiliations and practices have lead me to a greater network of support and also a feeling of hope that God will work out every situation even in the darkest hour

Planning ahead

There’s method to my apparent madness. I usually calculate my moves and plan my activities. There are aspects of my future that I can control significantly. This gives me virtual certainty that things will go the way I want them to and when I get my way it makes me happy 🙂

Dare to dream

I don’t wait for night time or when I’m “under the influence” to dream. I sit and think and envision all the things I’d like to achieve. In my mind, I’m the happiest man alive.

Doing “it”

I’m not talking about sex, you perverts, even though sex makes me very happy. I’ve got 1 life to live and I’m not going to be the man who looks back and has a long list of things he wished he did. I make a concerted effort to do it all. Every fantasy, every hope, every dream, I go for it. I’m not content just watching it on TV or seeing it online. I’m happiest when I’m doing “it”, whatever “it” is. My field of experiences gives me alot to reflect on and usually with a big smile on my face.

Controlling my life

I do me! It’s as simple as that. Leaving my life up to “destiny” or “fate” or “God’s divine plan” is something I just don’t do. The bible says “God helps those who help themselves” so I figure if I’m helping myself achieve goals, then God will help me to do the ones He’s cool with. I’m not short on confidence or low on morale because I have the biggest say in where I am and what I get done. Sure, I make mistakes, some of them are outright fun. I learn from the errors and aim never to repeat them. Speaking of controlling my life, I go out of my way to make sure I don’t run amok of the law so I don’t end up behind bars, ’cause that would mean I’d lose control and that’s gonna decrease my happiness.

Laughing alot

I look for the lighter side of most situations without losing sight of the gravity of different situations. I’m never afraid to laugh and enjoy a moment. When the situation is grave then I do the responsible thing, which is to be respectful and sober. I’m always hopeful though to get a smile and to look for the proverbial “silver lining”

AND FINALLY…

Liking myself

I don’t need anyone else to like me but me. If all the world loved and adored me but I didn’t like myself then I’d still be unhappy.I think I’m a great guy and I make good company. My self-esteem is high, after-all, I think highly of my own intelligence. Sounds like I’m borderline narcissistic, lol. I’m sure you get what I’m saying.

I hope this has been helpful, that would make me happier. Lemme know what you think and be sure to share with a friend.

My reading lead me to a place called  the ‘World Database of Happiness’ in Rotterdam, that is self-described as a “continuous register of scientific research on subjective appreciation of life.” Additionally, there’s an 800 page book called Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification which outlines all the characteristics, behaviors and conditions that lead to happiness. But who’s gonna read that?

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Balancing your “Sistren” with your Girlfriend

Having a female friend/ sistren can bring many good things into your life. You can go to her for inside advice when your girlfriend’s logic (or lack thereof) is making you crazy. You can hang with her when you’re not in the mood for all the testosterone in the company of the ‘boys’. She’s there when you need someone (else) to talk to. And, when you’re single, she even helps you get 1 or more of her friends/acquaintances (rare, but still happens). ** Female friend = Sistren in this blog **

 

Unfortunately, having a woman as a friend can also cause disharmony, especially in your relationship with your girlfriend. I once heard a lady friend say, “Garth, woman nuh like odda woman”.

 

Is it possible to maintain a friendship with a female friend while preserving your sanity and your relationship?

 

“Safe Sistren”

There are some girls that you can have as friends without your girlfriend complaining too much. She might grumble about it, but she’ll have no ground to stand on. These women include those you were friends with before you got together with your girlfriend and those who are clearly in happy, stable relationships of their own. She also shouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she tries to bitch about a female friend that you are obviously not attracted to physically. If the friend is a lesbian, “mature” or a very devout religious person then the girlfriend should be fine with that too.

 

“Unsafe Sistren”

On the other hand, there are some women you might want to have in your life that are unacceptable to your girlfriend. If your female friend is your ex, then that’s gonna raise a red flag from as early as the courtship stage. If you have fooled around with your female friend in the past, it’s not difficult to see how that might bother your girlfriend. Same for the girl who has a “questionable reputation”. If your female friend has been known to go for attached guys, your girlfriend has a right to be suspicious. If your female friend previously had “beef” with your female friend, then you know there’s going to be  problem. Finally, if your girlfriend genuinely dislikes your female friend — for reasons other than the facts that she’s a girl and she’s friends with you — you might want to take her opinion into account.

 

The do’s

There are some things you can do with your female friend that shouldn’t be threatening to your girlfriend. Your girlfriend will feel much more comfortable with you going out for drinks if you do it in a group or it looks like it’s a drink with “the boys”. Don’t go to a quiet bar where the atmosphere is romantic; instead, take your female friend to a loud pub and pound back some beers like she’s just one of the guys. As far as conversation topics go, talking about your mutual past with your female friend is allowed, but try not to do it too much in front of your girlfriend or she’ll start to feel left out. Take part in hobbies or interests that you and your female friend have in common and that your girlfriend isn’t into. It’s always a good idea to keep your time spent with your female friend in a group situation or at least in a public place.

 

The dont’s

In order to keep your relationship with your girlfriend steady and trouble-free, there are some activities that you should never do with your female friend.

#1: ABSOLUTELY NO SLEEPOVERS. It doesn’t matter if you’re drunk, if there’s a storm outside or if she needs company after a breakup, there is no reason you should spend the night at your female friend’s house — even if you sleep on the couch.

#2: NO ALL NIGHT PLANS Avoid things like dinner and a movie. Keep the atmosphere platonic. You should never choose to spend special occasions like holidays with your female friend instead of your girlfriend.

#3 Never spend more time with your female friend than your girlfriend. That’s self explanatory!

#4 NO ‘COUPLES’ EVENTS. Acting as a fill-in date for your friend for a wedding or office party is also a no-no.

Basically, there shouldn’t be any aspect to your interactions that could force people to assume you’re dating.

 

MEN & WOMEN AS FRIENDS

Men and women have many differences, but that shouldn’t stop us from being friends. A friendship between a man and a woman can be just as platonic as the ones you share with your male friends — but it does require a little extra attention to make sure everyone involved is comfortable with the situation. You don’t have to give up your SISTREN just because you have a girlfriend. Just be honest and aware of their feelings and you should be able to have the best of both worlds.

 

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SEX with a good friend

Recently boredom kicked in and i decided to watch “When Harry Met Sally” again. Something struck me about a comment Billy Crystal’s character said.  He said the reason men and women can’t be friends is “because the sex part always gets in the way.”

 

Think about all your friendships with the opposite sex; chances are it started off because one of you was attracted enough to the other to strike up a conversation. Sometimes it’s obvious from the beginning that there is no chance romantically, so the relationship evolved “platonically”. However, sometimes friends end up doing all the same things as lovers; late-night phone calls, dinner, movies, nights on the couch, and then…sex.

 

So now that you’ve “done it”, the sex is the proverbial “elephant in the room”. With sex comes feelings, emotions and even regret. One of you wants to keep your relationship on the friendship level, but there is a possibility the other may want more. Men generally wouldn’t mind to continue the sex without the friendship changing. Women generally want “something more” or never have it happen again (even if the sex was awesome)

 

So, how do you remain friends and nothing more?

 

It’s the morning after and you wake up in bed together. If it’s a weekday, making a clean break shouldn’t be a problem because you both have to get to work. Once you get into the office, wait a little while and send her a facebook message joking about what happened yesterday. Then immediately switch topics. You must acknowledge that it occurred so she doesn’t feel used, but you shouldn’t dwell on it or she’ll think it’s something more than a one-time event. Don’t let the talk get dirty either. Act like a friend.

 

If it’s a weekend, the split could be trickier. Get out before it reaches afternoon. But, don’t go for the obvious “I have things to do” excuse because she probably knows your life better than you do. Mention things you have to take care by yourself, like going to the office to finish some work or a trip out of town. Make plans to hang out with her the next week in a friendly situation. Make it something you’ve done together many times before, probably drinks or a games night. The point is to not make it seem like a“hit-and-run”.

 

The best way to ensure you remain friends after sex is to NOT SLEEP TOGETHER AGAIN. It will be tempting and possibly available. One time is a mistake in a moment of attraction; two or more times appear as something much bigger. Try to  stop thinking of her in that way — or in that position. Get right back into the friendship. Keep everything as normal as possible. The point is not to change the typical friend routine.

 

It’s important not to do anything that could be misinterpreted. If you have an upcoming event that involves a date, don’t bring her along. Always introduce her to strangers as your “good friend.” Don’t get jealous if she happens to mention another guy or if she flirts in your presence. Don’t make inside jokes about the night you shared.

 

After some time has passed you should begin to talk about other women, even if there really aren’t any other women to speak of. Ask her about other guys too. See how she reacts. See if she goes back to her usual “pre-sex” reactions when you would mention other women.

 

Don’t disappear on her. It’s easy to run from an uncomfortable situation, but then were you really a friend to begin with? The topic of the sex you had togerther  will eventually come up. It’s on her mind and it’s crossed your mind too. Talk it out. She may be just as uninterested in turning it into a relationship as you are. You could have been just a quickie for her too.

 

Be honest and tell her how you feel.

 

The downside

If weeks and months since “the sex” have passed and you’re more than sure she wants to call you her boyfriend and she’s not getting the hint you aren’t interested romantically then there’s no light at the end of this tunnel.

 

Here’s the bad news: this friendship is going to end, possibly not well either. Above all, be a gentleman. No matter how innocent you feel, in her eyes you are guilty. Just back away and leave her alone. After the explosion, wait a few weeks and send ane-mail or text message to assess the damage.

 

There is a chance she could have come to her senses and still wants to be friends.

There’s also a chance she’s maligning your character and “warning” her friends to avoid you… Just be prepared for anything.

 

Sound advice: Don’t consider crossing that “platonic line” unless you have every intention of ultimately formalising a committed relationship with her

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